Ambush

I have to thank my daughter for ambushing me to this internet thing called "facebook"  Un beknownst to me she set me up a page.  "just try it mom"  was what she said.  I have to admit at first I was slightly annoyed....as I need one more thing to do....one more responsibility or expectation.....but I have to admit now, that I have quite enjoyed the reconnecting, learning and networking I have done.  Allowing myself this priveledge to sit and do this semmingly idle non-productive activity.....

One of the reconnects I have made is a friend of mine from highschool she has a fantastic blog!  called Reading Risa!   She writes and I laugh, cry, comisserate, or cheer her on.  I am convinced she is in my head.  It has been such a great thing!  As I was reading her latest entry I was struck by something she referred to....she said she had never been referred to as 'laid back'.....hmmm I thought neither have I!  in fact I am sure it is the last thing anyone would think about me.  I have been called anal,  a neat freak, headstrong, accused of being unable to say no.....but laid back,....not so much. 

I got to thinking about that.  As I shared in my first blog entry.....we have been thru alot of changes in this last decade of our life....I find that life has moved much faster than I anticipated, the gap between my parents and I doesn't seem so infinate.  Life and how I live it has become much more important.  There is so much I thought I would have done and accomplished by now.....but life has a way of beating you up out there.  And as my friend has said what we have been told the "scripts" in our heads as she puts it aren't necessarily the only way to live. 

I want to live out loud a little bit more.....instead of keeping my shoulder to the grindstone so much, or keeping up with the Jones' ( who are they anyway )........Seriously, I can't even tell you the last time I sat and sipped a glass of ice tea on the front porch with a neighbor.....everything is hurry hurry......It seems in someways life has amped up since our girls left home.....I started my career a little late in life, and the maintenance it requires is a little more exhausting than what I had anticipated. The job I keep to maintain paying our bills is not one I want......the overlap of these two worlds coupled with serving the needs of family and friends, building and nourishing relationships, spending time and learning about this "season" of life with my husband, and desiring to find time for myself....... being more diciplined to the things that matter the most to me and figuring out what those things are......

I want to live a life pleasing to the Lord, enjoying the relationship I have with my husband, learning what being friends and mentors to my daughters looks like and playing with and savoring my grandbabies......to exercise in a fashion that is beneficial to me, journal/blog,  spend time in the word.....make time to read on things that are beneficial or maybe just for fun..... make time for relationships with people I can relate to......feel secure and free enough to travel??.( well when we have the money)......adjusting.....or am I??

I have found that I am very driven by expectation....both my own and others....breaking this cycle and focusing not so much on expectation but on what is really important and valuable is a tough shift.  So I purge forward....trying to sift thru what the build up of life and its demands has brought to me and decide what has to stay.....and what can go.....so much of it exists in my head, how I think, have been trained to think, percieve, anticipate and expect....prioritize......

Maybe.... I will not expect so much from myself, possibly my priorities are not as purposed as they are learned or possibly dismissed for the list I am conditioned to achieve......begin to anticipate healthy change and reprieve, strive to percieve from an eternity perspective, and think.... more the way I photograph life......with a little less structure and task drinveness....Breathing......enjoying.....with more flexability.....a little more out of the box......and laid back! 

by the way do catch http://www.readingrisa.wordpress.com/  you will be blessed!